by - January 16, 2018

'I truly love you' Anna thought as she lay awake next to Peter, his chest rising and falling to the rhythm of her own. A smile tugs at her lips as a tiny snore rippled through his body, it was the kind of snoring she could wake up to every morning. She caught herself smiling and staring at him unaware so often it made her nervous. Even though they had been together for more than two years she could never get rid of that nervous feeling. The one you get when you realize that you actually had something to lose, something other people would want. Because who wouldn't want to wake up to this, the snoring, the love, the feeling of contentment.No, she had reason to be nervous. The smile slipped from her lips as she thought about the way she was looking at him, the way she always looked at him. As if he was the sun. As if he held the most beautiful constellations in his eyes. As if he were a cosmic explosion, terrifyingly beautiful, possibly unreal, something she could fall and disappear into. Her chest grew tight and she fought against the negative thoughts that tried to slip into her mind, the ones that asked what if and until. No, she pushed them all the way to the back of her mind, leaned in closer and kissed him lightly on the lips before she turned back around and drowned in the bliss of his snoring, the love, the feeling of contentment...

'I don't want to wake up' Peter thought as he felt Anna's eyes on him and the light kiss she placed on his lips before she mercifully turned around and went back to sleep. More than two years of waking up next to someone held a lot of room for repetitiveness. That's what his life has become, a series of rituals and habits. He would wake up and tell her that he loved her even though he wasn't sure he still knew what that meant or if it was true or not. Wasn't love something you were supposed to want to wake up to? He opened his eyes slowly, making sure that Anna wouldn't see that he was awake because he needed the time to himself. A time before the lying begins. He looks at the hairs curled down the nape of her neck, the steady movement of her breathing and wondered when the thought of her next to him stopped making him happy. She always looked so content and happy when she saw him, her eyes practically lit up. He wished he could tell her to just stop, stop loving me! Stop taking away reasons I can use to leave you. Because he wants to leave so badly but he knows if he does it would break her and you can't just break someone if they don't give you a reason to. Or could you? At this point he didn't even care about it that much. She would be leaving soon and then he could break her. It would be easier over the phone anyway he thought as he pictured her tear stained face, the betrayal in her eyes as her soul turned bitter in front of him. No, he would wait. He could deal with a few more days of false I love you's and the repetitiveness of it all. Peter closed his eyes and turned away from her. Cursing the fact that he couldn't see the same stars in her eyes that he knew she saw in his. She wasn't his sun and she wasn't made out of constellations. She was soggy bread eaten out of hunger next to dying candle light. Necessary but not enough, never enough.

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